Don’t give up; it’s just the weight of the world.
The last image I have of him is his back as he retreated quickly down the street. Just moments earlier, he’d gently pushed my hair away from my face before brushing his lips against my cheek. Five days later, he told me that he didn’t think we should be together.
It seems a little cliché to say that I probably should’ve seen it coming, but I didn’t. Even though the stress that tainted the space between the few wonderful dates that we had together over a two month period was bad enough for even me to question the relationship and call it off myself, I kept hanging on. Despite everything, I still liked him a lot and really looked foreword to having a real relationship with him as I’d never had a relationship with anybody before. We were only having a rough patch, I convinced myself; it would smooth itself out eventually. I was sure of it.
Don’t give up; it’s just the hurt that you hide.
It didn’t. When we broke up, something inside me died. There were a lot of painful thoughts that went through my mind during the aftermath. What did I do wrong? Could I have done better? Should I have tried harder? Was it even possible? If only I was more outgoing, prettier, someone other than me, then maybe it would’ve been different.
I wasn’t even worth it. I didn’t have what it takes to be girlfriend material. To him or to anyone.
People tried to comfort me as was custom, but it only came across as frivolous and cliché. One day, someone will find a spark with you, it’ll happen. One day, you will find someone special and sparks will fly. One day, you will fall in love when you’re not looking for it. One day, you will have a relationship just like them.
One day, one day…
Don’t give up, because you want to burn bright.
There are some certainties in this world, like dying. I know I’m going to die one day. It could be in five minutes, five days, or five years or fifty, but one day I must put down my sword and meet my maker in the next life. That’s reality, the inescapable, unquestionable reality. I can’t count on maybes and one days because those one days are uncertain and change at the drop of the hat.
I am human and like all humans, I want and need social interactions, meaningful relationships, and feel loved. I want to be seen as unique, beautiful, a beacon on a cloudy night that guides wayward souls into harbor. But do I really need to be in a relationship to fulfill these things? We live in a society that is more tolerant of lifestyles that aren’t subject to the norm, but as a whole, we haven’t quite gotten over the fact that different lifestyles include the need for singularity. We continue to pressure individuals into starting a relationship with a significant other, whether we mean to or not.
Everybody wants to be understood.
I want to be recognized and validated for what I want in my life. I may be wrong in your eyes, but it’s not your life to live. If it was, I’m sure you’d live it differently. I don’t tell you that you shouldn’t be in that relationship (unless of course, it’s riddled with domestic violence and strife, then I’d feel obligated to guide you out of it in every way that I can), so what right do you have to tell me I shouldn’t give up on my dream of being in love? We change as the seasons change. What we wanted five years ago may not be applicable to us now.
You are loved.
I want to be loved. I want to feel loved and know that I matter to somebody. I used to think it meant being in a relationship with someone and pouring all my energy and self into that relationship. I wanted it so bad that it hurt. What I forgot was that I needed to love myself. I needed to be irrevocably in love with myself and give to myself before I could give to the world.
I may not be perfect, but everyday is a new day and everyday I become a better me, closer to what I want to be. I love myself, and I love the person I’m becoming. I am beautiful. I am perfect to the eyes of many, even if some days my eyes are dulled to their light.
You are loved. (Don’t give up).
Josh Groban is one of my favorite singers of all time. I used to listen to him on a daily basis, especially on the days when I felt lost in the world and couldn’t think straight. His song “You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up)” was a song that I literally listened to every day for more than a year. Through his lyrics, Josh Groban reminded me that I was someone of worth, a beautiful person to be cherished. Don’t give up, he told me, because you are loved even if you don’t believe it yourself yet. I can see you, feel you, and empathize with you. Soon your silence will be broken, and your hurt will be expelled.
I hadn’t listened to Josh Groban much in the last year. I couldn’t take the sentimental lyrics that so saturated his music because it reminded me too abruptly of my last failed attempt of love. But I decided to listen to You Are Loved for old time’s sake and found a new meaning than I couldn’t have even begun to see before. One does not need to have romantic love to love and be loved.
I can hear you…don’t give up.