Memories, Anniversaries, Grief, Frustration.

I’m pleased that I had the day off today. At my place of work, our Fridays and Saturdays alternate, so if I work a Friday, I have the Saturday off, then the next weekend I have Friday off but work the Saturday. It’s a nice switch so I don’t have to work all weekend, but I’m particularly glad that I had this Saturday off. Today is October 4th and it’s the one year anniversary of my dad’s death.

It’s kind of hard to imagine that it’s been a year since my dad died. Some days it feels like only yesterday, other times it’s like a million years ago. But every day I think about him and I miss him. He’s supposed to be alive, but for the fluke of human nature that doctors sometimes have and it had the misfortune to pick my dad. I wish it would’ve been somebody else, but no one can go back to alter it in any way.

I’ve realized since then how distant I am towards my dad’s side of the family. We were never particularly close, but now that my dad’s gone the distance has grown even farther. I feel no obligation to keep up with them in any way shape or form. They never made the effort for me in that way, especially now that my dad’s gone where the expectation of them making more of an effort is or should’ve been increased. My dad’s brother and his wife hasn’t come down since last November and I’ve only seen one of my dad’s sisters once since October and all the others I haven’t seen since October and some of those was the first time in five and ten years.

It’s always been this way, this sort of uncloseness if that’s even a word. They don’t particularly want to make an effort to come down to see us and now I don’t want to make any particular effort to see them. Even my favorite uncle and his wife I don’t want to see because they made it pretty obvious they don’t want to drive this far to see us even on a holiday but they expect us to go up and see them for Thanksgiving and Christmas. If they or anybody else wants to come down to see us, then they need to make the effort to come down.

Maybe I’m being a Scrooge, but when you’ve had too many disappointments from certain family members, you don’t expect much from them. The only person I want to see again is my dad, but that would only take a miracle.

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