I focus a lot on love and relationships. It’s almost an obsessive habit, which might seem strange to a lot of people, especially to those who know I’m determined to live out my life as a singleton.
I’m probably obsessed with it because I’ve actually never been in a relationship before. Nobody ever sent me love notes in high school, nor did they ask me out on a date. In fact, I never went on a real date or had my first kiss until I was in college. And even then, it never lasted more than a couple dates or so. Nothing ever official as it goes.
I watch my friends who are in serious relationships or are married. They have interesting dynamics about them. Some are playful, others are more serious. Some don’t talk about their relationships at all unless you’re closely related to them. It’s fascinating to me because I’ve never had that kind of experience. To be so close to someone not related to you, to love them so much and have that kind of connection that you’d be willing to give up all others to be with them.
I used to wonder (and still do on occasion) what it’d be like to have a relationship with someone where we’d go out together or spend an evening at home enjoying each others company. I used to wonder what it’d be like to have company with someone who wanted to be in my presence and share my experiences with me and I’d long for that. It couldn’t hurt to have someone there when the going went rough. You wouldn’t have to rely solely on yourself.
But these days I can’t imagine it. I’ve gotten used to my routine; I’ve grown fonder of my solitude (if that could be considered possible). Thinking about going out and sitting across from someone I barely know to see if they might be someone I could spend the rest of my life with makes me anxious — I don’t want to do that sort of thing anymore. If I want to go hiking, I’ll go hiking. If I want to take a stroll through the graveyard, I will. If I just want to snuggle in my room and read or watch television until I fall asleep, I can do that too (this happens more than I care to admit.) I just can’t see going out of my way to make small talk with someone I really don’t know and probably won’t see again.
Sure, I get lonely. Sure, I wish I had someone to talk to on a daily basis or went out with, but to be honest, it’s not that big of a deal. I don’t need to be with someone. There’s always improvements that I can do for myself, there’s always something new to read or watch. What possibly could I do differently?
I’ll always be a romantic. I love listening to love songs (this is probably why I love country music so much – it’s full of love songs) and a good love story is always compelling. But I think if I tried to make myself go out into the dating world, I’d be swimming in a pool of frustration and anger. I don’t have patience with people. If you can’t act like a gentleman and treat me like a lady, then you’re not going to be with me much longer.
Perhaps my expectations are too high? I don’t know. At least I have my next book to keep me company. It never lets me down.
(Side note: I was trying to make a point out of this, but it dissolved into a rambling mush. I apologize)