I love Christmas.

I love putting the decorations up. They’re so beautiful and makes the house fill with happiness.

But as the actual day inches closer, I’m feel a little low.

Maybe because it doesn’t feel like Christmas. It always feels weird when there’s no snow outside for Christmas.

It’s either been raining or really sunny and cold.

Just doesn’t seem like the time of year. Or feel like it even.

Sometimes I wish there was a big family coming over. That we were all getting together. I haven’t done that in a few years, not since my dad died. Having a small nuclear family has it’s ups and downs I suppose.

I see people rushing to visit everybody and feel sorry for them. But I’ve never had to do that so it’s kind of lonely at times. But I have my mom and that’s enough.

I gave a Christmas card to someone and I don’t think they were expecting to get a card because they gave me a big hug afterward. I’m glad I could make her happy.

Today’s a stream of conscious post, if you haven’t noticed.

I hope tomorrow I can think of something better to write about. Don’t worry, I’ll get back into the swing of things eventually.

Was I even in the swing of things?

Who knows. My posts have always been random.


The Shower vs. Bath Debate.

Question of the Day:

Do you prefer baths or showers?

I’d say showers. I’m probably biased because I haven’t had a bath since I was about ten years old. But still, I’m going to give my solid answer to showers.

Showers are quick. Or as quick as I can make them, and quite possibly quicker than a bath. I generally don’t like the feeling of being wet, it gives me a nasty feeling, so soaking in a bathtub with lukewarm water doesn’t appeal to my senses much. Not to mention your skin looks like an old person’s.

My hair is thick, so I usually have to scrub it up, down, and underneath to get it clean. And I have to do it twice. And then it takes forever to dry it. For a five minute shower, it sure takes a long time to dry my hair afterwards.

I’ll give one good thing about showers and that it usually warms me up. Especially in the winter time when I’m permanently cold. Have that extra heat boosts me up for a couple of hours. And it feels good to feel clean afterwards. And when I can get my hair to be fluffy when I dry it. Sometimes I don’t brush it right and it sticks to the back of my head. It’s gross.

Sometimes I contemplate on how nice it would be to have hot bubble bath with sweet smelling candles and bath bombs but then I shake my head and think “nah.” Too much effort for too little results.

100 Random Facts About Me.

Wow…another blog post from me in quick succession from the other one. That’s kind of amazing. The amount of posts depend on my mood, I do believe. Sometimes I post every day, sometimes once a week, sometimes once a week. You get two in one night. Congratulations, Internet. I don’t know if this fact is something to be thankful for or something that you hide in the back in embarrassment. Much like when your kid brother farts in church. But I don’t have a kid brother. Or a sister for that fact.

Whatever the case, I was inspired by That Guy over at The Confusing Middle and wanted to do one of my own. I was reading his About Me page (kinda creepy, right? But it IS the internet after all) and he decided to do 100 random facts as his biography. Not to be outdone, I shall share some of my random facts about myself. And some of them might be similar to his because apparently we are similar in certain respects. Anyway,




  1. I am single.
  2. I’ve always been single.
  3. I’ve been interested in several guys, but never dated.
  4. I kissed a guy or two. (It wasn’t interesting, believe me.)
  5. I’ve never been on a real date before.
  6. I’m sarcastic.
  7. I stopped trying to be funny, but sometimes I am.
  8. I decided to buy a mandolin in September and learn to play by myself. It’s still a work in progress.
  9. I still live in the same state that I was born in.
  10. I listen to country music.
  11. And Irish music.
  12. Pop/rock/rap’s not my thing tbh. Occasionally one will jump out at me, but nothing much.
  13. I like to write.
  14. I like photography, but I don’t do it anymore and at best am an amateur.
  15. I like visiting cemeteries. My goal at every cemetery is to find the earliest birthday, the oldest and youngest people buried there, best epitaphs, fanciest headstone, and earliest veteran (I found an American Revolution once.)
  16. I like pizza with extra sauce. And order breadsticks, stick them in the fridge and eat them later cold. Delicious.
  17. I watch Dateline and 48 Hours since 8th or 9th grade. Morbid curiosity.
  18. My favorite love stories are the ones where the guy ends up dying. I don’t know how that happens because it makes me sad every time.
  19. I don’t drink Coke or Pepsi. I only drink 7Up, Sprite, or Ginger Ale (any light pops really.)
  20. Coffee is the drink of Satan. Nasty tasting stuff. This is why people will go off the straight and narrow–smells delicious, tastes like anus.
  21. I still read YA literature sometimes. Fight me bro.
  22. I don’t eat a lot of cow. I prefer poultry.
  23. I like to go for long walks. And hike. It’s fun to go alone, but I prefer a hiking buddy. Less lonely that way.
  24. I like a guy with some facial hair.
  25. I like the color blue. Second favorite: green.
  26. When I was a kid, my favorite color was brown. I don’t know why.
  27. I was born in 1987 and yet people still think I’m on the verge of leaving high school.
  28. Favorite wild animals: elephants. And sharks.
  29. Favorite domesticated animal: dogs.
  30. I’m allergic to cats and they somehow know I despise their presence.
  31. Favorite state: Tennessee.
  32. I’m scared of sharp knives.
  33. I love mashed potatoes.
  34. Places I’d like to visit: Ireland, Scotland, Austria, New Zealand, Australia. I don’t know why. Because I’ve been to England so many times it’s boring now.
  35. I go back and forth between wanting a relationship and not wanting one. I want the companionship but I got turned off by all the bad experiences to want to try again unless the guy’s very special and show me he’s consistently interested.
  36. Favorite scary movie? The Mothman Prophecies or The Conjuring. Or the Ring. Okay top three, don’t judge me.
  37. Favorite love/historical piece: Cold Mountain.
  38. Favorite musical: Les Miserables because it was the first one I ever saw on a real stage.
  39. My first high school crush turned out to be gay. Awkward.
  40. A book I read over and over again: Water for Elephants.
  41. I don’t like talking about how half my family is English because people forget that I am in fact American in pursuit of being obsessed about my connection to England. The questions get kinda old people.
  42. I like to watch documentaries. It’s what I watch mostly anymore.
  43. Favorite candy: smarties.
  44. Favorite pie: pumpkin
  45. Favorite candy: anything chocolate. Okay, Twix and Snickers.
  46. New Year’s is overrated. It’s just a day off for me. I used to go to the movies, but I don’t have anyone to go with anymore.
  47. Discussing politics makes me uncomfortable. Extremism in both parties turns me off.
  48. Books I still think about are Atonement, Never Let Me Go, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Me Before You.
  49. I want to take a WWII trip across Europe. Visit Anne Frank House and Auschwitz.
  50. I should have become a historian.
  51. I also should’ve gone into forensics.
  52. Or become a mortician. The death industry is morbidly fascinating to me.
  53. I’m not afraid of death.
  54. If I had a boy, I always wanted to call him Oliver for Oliver Twist. But now everybody thinks it’s the coolest name ever so now people will judge me for choosing a “popular name.” I had it first, punks!
  55. Girls names I like: Sophie, Alexei, Ashlyn, Chatya (pronounced Hiya)
  56. There were a few other girl names I liked but can’t think of off the top of my name.
  57. I also like Landon, Tyler James, and Bran for boys.
  58. I like Christmas decorations.
  59. I can only sleep in until 8 or 9 on my days off. Always a morning person, usually get up early anyway.
  60. I’m a Christian but I identify with Quakers these days.
  61. I always keep my car filled over halfway. It makes me nervous otherwise.
  62. I complain about not being social enough and on the rare times I do get to be social I complain about going out. I’m never happy.
  63. Genealogy is interesting to me. I got out of the habit of researching these days but it’s fun.
  64. I don’t have a favorite genre of book.
  65. There’s a small patch of woods a couple blocks from me. Sometimes I like walking there but I’m kind of suspicious of it too. Every time I had a guy over and we walked there, the guy never stuck around. Someone also committed suicide there. Bad luck woods, maybe?
  66. I don’t understand comedies. I always find they’re trying too hard.
  67. Stand up comedy is sometimes well done.
  68. I’ll always enjoy Gabriel Iglesias, Jim Gaffigan, and Jeff Dunham.
  69. The Dark Knight, The Amazing Spider-Man, and Guardians of the Galaxy are my favorite superhero movies. But it takes me forever to watch superhero movies.
  70. Taco Tuesday is weird. When did that become popular? All of a sudden it was a thing.
  71. Biscuits and gravy are comforting.
  72. I want to live in a log cabin.
  73. I learned how to kayak once. A guy I liked bought me a 3 week quick course in college. It was fun, but I never did it since. Too bad.
  74. I love Bath & Body Works body wash. I’m such a girl.
  75. I like aquariums. So peaceful.
  76. When I was 10, I was obsessed with Titanic and my parents took me to see the Jack/Rose epic romance movie. Probably not a good movie for a 10 year old, but what the heck.
  77. I was around 11/12 when the Harry Potter books were first published.
  78. I realized that I am aging.
  79. No one will ever know the impatience of waiting for the next Harry Potter book like I did. This is sad.
  80. I’m not an exciting person.
  81. I don’t listen to music in the car very often. Couple times a year maybe?
  82. My next dog will be named Summer. Or Rocky.
  83. I like watching film theory on YouTube. Like Lindsay Ellis and Ryan Hollinger and Lessons from the Screenplay. Fascinating.
  84. Rob Dyke, Bedtime Stories, and Cayleigh Elise are instant clicks on YouTube.
  85. Christmas candies….all the Christmas candies.
  86. I met some Irish people this year. They are some happy folks, my dears.
  87. They always sound like they’re singing.
  88. I’ve wanted to play mandolin for over ten years. I finally got the nerve to buy one this year in spite of people telling me no.
  89. Bucket list goal: ballroom dancing and scuba diving.
  90. Once I told my deep dark secret fear to someone I liked. I was made fun of for it and it was one of the reasons we stopped seeing each other.
  91. There are big age gaps between myself and my cousins. So even if we lived close together, we wouldn’t be able to relate.
  92. Spring is my favorite season. Fall and winter are my least favorite.
  93. I like to read in bed.
  94. I don’t read much anymore, but I still enjoy reading.
  95. I’d like to know what a boyfriend is like just once.
  96. I’m an only child and love it.
  97. I want to live in a log cabin just to say I did.
  98. I learned how to edit film/movies in a class once. It made me wish I took more classes like it.
  99. Meatball subs are the best.
  100. The mayhem commercials are kind of funny.

Midwinter’s Dream.

I don’t dream a lot. That’s what my official answer is, anyway.

I tend to dream more often when I write in my journal on a regular basis. Or if I’m being more creative. I’ve been writing in my journal a whole lot more. And I wrote a poem a day in November, so that might have something to do with it. That’s the excuse I’m going to give anyway.

When I do dream, it’s often in the land of the weird and/or scary.

Very weird.

So weird that I’m still uncomfortable saying them out loud. Thus why I’ll never keep a dream journal because someone in a hundred years will stumble upon it think, this person is a weirdo.

I am in fact a weirdo. I just don’t need anymore unintentional weirdness added.

I work. I come home. I (try) to read. I write sporadically (journal mostly.) I run errands and do things for the mother. I keep up with the shaving while listening to urban legends and/or Philip DeFranco. Because Philip DeFranco has such a strong, comforting voice in these troubled times. If you’ve never heard of him, you should look him up on YouTube. He is an online based newscaster/journalist, telling the most popular news stories as rounded and filled and unbiased as possible. I’ve never had a problem with him. I can always count on him for a good story.

I digress, as I usually do.

So last night I had a few dreams.

Scary dreams.

Totally and utterly scary. They were so scary I woke up from them. I didn’t think they were real or anything, but they felt real enough. Maybe I was just troubled by the dreams I was dreaming.

It’s kind of weird about dreams, aren’t they?

Nobody knows what they are or why we have them.

Some think it’s us trying to process information or emotions and thoughts about certain topics. If it is, then what kind of information and emotions am I trying to process because that’s too strange and weird for my comfort.

Maybe the more active we make our mind the more we dream. We’re thinking and exercising our mind more so of course it’s going to dream more. So why do we have dreams? Why do some have good dreams while others have all the weird ones?

I prefer to have the good dreams. I’ve only had a couple good dreams in my life and I don’t really remember them at all. I remember one dream where I was dreaming that I was dating someone and his son and I were sitting on the couch talking and playing games and he asked me when his father and I were going to get married so he could have a second mom. That one got to me. Because it was sweet, even if I never met the guy before.

Turns out said guy was not a very nice guy. Seems like my luck.

Another good dream I had was in high school and I wrote a note to this guy I liked and I was hanging out in a circle with my friends in the hallway and he joined us to talk. It was a very nice dream. But it turns out he’s gay.

My luck is that way, you know?

That’s all I remember. I wish I could understand dreams and why they happen. That would be awesome.

Finding Thankfulness

Sometimes it’s hard to feel thankful when you’ve been faced with the bottom of the barrel for a while. And yet tomorrow is Thanksgiving here in America and we’re having to be thankful for what we have.

So what am I thankful for?

  • A home
  • A job
  • Books
  • Internet access (last year I went for a couple weeks without it and it was horrible)
  • A bed to sleep in
  • Great stories to listen to on YouTube
  • Family and friends who care
  • A few days off
  • Starting a new day even if the day before was horrible
  • Being alive
  • Being healthy
  • Getting most of my shopping done (I don’t have to get the other things I want to get but I want to get it anyway)

I could complain about things, but I won’t. Today’s not the day for it.

To write and to feel.

I prefer to write in black pen.

I don’t know why, but it seems more solid and official.

Don’t get me wrong, I like blue pens and I’ve even written in blue pen before, but I prefer to write in black pen.

Black pens seem more official, you know? And there seems to be more of them around. If I started writing in blue pen, I’d have to keep that blue pen around because if I sat it down and lost it, chances are I wouldn’t pick up another blue pen, it’d be a different color (most likely black) and it just wouldn’t look the same and I’d be bugged about it and eventually throw the paper away and end up writing it all in black pen anyway. I’m just that type of person.

Also, I prefer pens over pencils. When I was a kid, it was the other way around. When I was a kid, pens felt weird in my hands and didn’t seem to write smooth. Not only that, I could erase more easily with a pencil. Obviously.

These days, I avoid writing with a pencil. The led always lines the side of my hand and I’m not even left handed. Maybe I press too hard, maybe I sweat too much when I write. A combination of the two. Who knows. I just prefer pen. Because you can’t really smear pen, can you? Unless you’re writing with an inkwell and feather. That’s just weird to me. A nice aesthetic, but weird.

I’ve been in solitude for a while now. Don’t ask me why. I just like being in solitude. I prefer solitary activities. I thought I wanted to be more social a while ago but it just depleted me terribly and now I just want to be alone.

What have I been doing?

Listening to YouTube. Reading (a little, but not much, to be honest.) Playing mandolin. Writing a poem a day. Working my designated shifts. The usual.

Trying not to feel lonely.

Everybody has somebody to love. Even if they go for months without speaking to anybody else, they still have that one person to give body warmth to next to the couch. That’s all.

The older you get, the harder it is to date. And I was never good at dating to begin with. I’m mostly good at being single, but when the majority of your friends and acquaintances have significant others, it’s hard not to notice being the odd one out. Nobody wants to their perceived faults to be pointed out.

And nobody wants to help you, you know? They say, “You’ll find someone who will love you!” And when you say “Oh yeah? And do you know of anybody I can go out on a date with?” They say, “No…”

I thought so. Then don’t bring me hope when it doesn’t work. I’ve been on that road a long time ago. I’m in that weird purgatory of enjoying my solitude and hating it at the same time. Don’t destroy me.

Go somewhere else unless you know someone worthy of dating me.

I’m not sure where I was going with this. Just to write. And no, I’m not sad, not really. I just want to find something different.

Red Tom of the Hills

I’ve been sporadic with my music playing. I went two days without practicing and then for only ten minutes a day for a few days. It’s not good but I knew I wanted to bite the bullet and learn how play melody and I didn’t want to learn it. Someone was giving me horror stories about how playing melody was only for “advanced” players and I was scared to start trying.

But I finally did it because some other musicians encouraged me to just jump right in and try it out. Anyone who tells you that something’s for an advanced player only isn’t being very helpful. So the other day I watched a little bit of the melody for Cindy and when I got the idea of how it was supposed to go I branched off and found an Irish reel called “Red Tom of the Hills.” There’s a guy on YouTube who shows people how to play melody to various Irish songs and this one was the first one in his “for beginners” playlist. I printed off the tabs he provided and listened to him play it a couple times and followed along a little bit and then branched off and just followed the tabs sheet.

I’m not good at reading tabs (or regular music to be honest) but I think it’s my security blanket because when someone is showing how to play it, I like to follow along so I can get the hang of it. I need to learn how to listen to a song and learn how to pick it out, but obviously I’m not that brave yet. At least I’m trying out a combination of reading tabs and listening to it at the same time, right? In the very least I’m listening to how it’s supposed to sound like first so I know I’m doing it right while I’m practicing?

I’ve been watching more mandolin players on YouTube. It’s fun to watch how quick their fingers dance across the fretboard. I want to be that quick one day. And hopefully it’ll come sooner rather than later.