What He’s Doing Now.

When you left me, I didn’t think I’d miss you. You hurt me way too many times, I’ve become jaded by your promises and heartbreaks, your leavings and your coming homes. Good riddance, I thought to myself, who cares that you’re gone now. But then a few weeks would go by and it would start again. My loneliness, my isolation, my longing for you to be by my side.

And just when I couldn’t take it anymore, we’d be back together again. There were talks and a few exclamations of “I’m sorry.” You realized that you had done me wrong and wanted to make it right. And once more I’d forgive you and there would be a short time of peace. I was too much of a coward to say goodbye. How can I say goodbye to a man who said he dreamed of me and saw the signs that he could do better by me, that I was the wrong? That face was too hard too sweet to say no too.

But it would all start again. The pressure. The perfection. And then we had an argument and that was when I should have known you’d never see me again. A day went by and we talked. You thought it was a good sign that I was talking to you again, I said “Yeah.” We made plans that Friday, but you never came. You never answered your phone. The end.

You hurt my feelings. I didn’t understand. Why did you tell me how much you wanted to prove that we were meant to be together only to dump me like this? I wandered about lost and confused. How could things have gone so wrong?

But the leaves changed color. The air turned cooler. The months came and went. You have moved on to other things. Obviously, you found a girl who wasn’t careful, who didn’t want to take the time to make sure that it was right. Your roller coaster went by me, but caught someone else riding the same ride as you.

I don’t think you realize the pain you put me in. You didn’t grace me of an ending worthy of a clean moving on. Instead, in your rush, you left me hanging where my arm got torn off, my heart bleeding crimson to the floor, staining everything for all of men to see. I had to sew it up myself, jagged, with remorse, infection searing into my soul.

My heart is slowly healing. I am finally on my own two feet. But you don’t realize what you’re doing now had torn me apart. Your intricate words caught me in a web and I couldn’t escape. You once tore me apart but I’m finding my pieces being put together again.

You might have thought I was the coward for not getting into a relationship with you so fast after the things you put me through. You might have disappeared from my life, thinking I’m too weak and cowardly for you. But I hope you realize one day that you were the cowardly one for being frightened by a woman too strong for your narrow world.

A Wave of Lonely Thoughts.

I’m twenty nine years old and single.

Most of the time I’m okay with this. I enjoy being able to go to work and coming home and putting my jamis on without anybody caring. I enjoy going to bed at ten without taking a shower if I don’t have to go anywhere right away the next day. I enjoy going to the bookstore and strolling through the aisles. I enjoy going hiking or riding my bike on the whim. I’m a quiet person, but I enjoy knowing that I can do what I want without consulting anybody.

But sometimes being twenty nine years old and single isn’t always that fun.

Don’t get me wrong, I have some friends who are willing to go out and socialize with me when I need to socialize. But the older I get, the more people get into relationships, marriages, and families, the less time I have with the people I used to know. And it makes me kind of lonely. Sometimes it makes me wish that I had someone who is waiting for me at home, or expecting my phone call to just talk or go out somewhere. Someone to snuggle with and watch a movie.

I often wonder if this is not the root cause of why we all get into relationships to start with, you know? Most of our friends get their significant other, families, and/or jobs and no longer having a friend to go out with and run around town with, we settle with someone (most of the time anyone) just so we can have someone to socialize with and come home to so we don’t feel the paralyzing fear of loneliness.

Of course I wouldn’t settle with just anybody just to stave off the loneliness. And of course I don’t feel this way all of the time, but sometimes I think it would be nice. To have someone who’s happy to see you come through the door.

But this wave of emotions will fade and my old self will return. Once again I’ll feel like my old self and glad that I don’t have someone attached to me. Because that’s what I enjoy 95% of the time. But while it’s here, I’ll allow myself to feel the wave of loneliness and its possible redemptive qualities, even for a little while.

If I Said Yes.

June 1, 2015.

This is the date that I got asked to be someone’s girlfriend for the first time in my life. You would have thought I’d be excited about it. After all, I’d been dreaming and aching for someone to ask me that ever since I could remember. Instead, I was hesitant.

I was hesitant because I was afraid of committing to the man who had asked me. We’d been seeing each other on and off for a couple years at this point. We’d see each other regularly for a little bit, then something would happen that would make us upset and then I wouldn’t hear from him for a few months. He told me he understood and that he was going to prove to me that he truly cared for me and that it’d work out.

It did for a little while, then it happened again. I was hurt and brokenhearted. Even though I didn’t say yes, I was getting close to saying it. I’d thought he’d finally meant it that time. A few months later he came back again. I’m sorry, he said. I did you wrong. God told me in a dream that I did you wrong and that you were the one. This time, it’s for real.

And I was more hesitant than before, but I let him try to prove it to me again. And I almost thought it’d work. I wanted it to work.

Obviously, it didn’t work out, for different reasons I won’t explain here. But I think about it often, especially now that June 1 is coming up. We would have been dating for a year if I’d said yes. If it had worked out for us in the end. Would it had been different if I said yes? I don’t know. Maybe. I would have liked it to, especially considering he said a lot of right words to make me believe that I should and want a relationship. But, most likely not.

I got asked to be someone’s girlfriend for the first time last year. It will be the last time, I hope. It wasn’t as cracked up as everyone made it out to be.

On Finding the One: Myself.

I was a senior. The prom was coming up. I’d bought myself a ticket because I didn’t go the year before as I wanted it to be special for my last year of high school. The only thing was, I didn’t have a date.

I was (and still am) a romantic. I longed for someone to ask me out on a date. I wanted someone to buy me a rose from the student government on Valentine’s Day and pass it to me in between classes. I hoped for a love note slipped into my locker.

But none of these things happened. This was a devastating blow to me because I wanted all of this and more. I wanted to be popular. I wanted to be included.

Throughout my years in high school, I had a crush on one guy. To me, he was the epitome of what a date-able guy should look like. Plus he looked like Harry Potter. To me, that added a thousand points (to Gryffindor!) in hotness. The year before during prom time I really wanted him to be my date for prom. He never asked me and I finally decided that I needed to brave the storms and ask him out, with the encouragement of a couple friends of course.

The day I was going to ask him to prom, we had a two hour delay. I was frustrated. He was taking college courses as part of his high school curriculum and was only at the high school for an hour in the morning, so I didn’t get to see him that day. I will see him tomorrow in homeroom, I thought, it won’t be that bad.

It turned out that it could.

Later that day I was in anatomy class. Someone who was my so called friend was sitting behind me with a bunch of girls. All of a sudden I heard her say,

“I’m going to prom with Keith.” (named changed, for obvious reasons)

I stopped what I was doing. Did I just hear that right? I thought. But…she knows I like him. She knows that I was hoping we’d go to prom together.

I turned in my seat to look at her in shock. On cue, she turns to stare at me and smirks. “I know you were going to ask him, but I went ahead and got him right from under your nose just because I can.”

For the rest of the period, I endured the girls behind me gushing over how good looking he was and how good the two of them looked together and even into the minute details of what dress she was wearing on the night. I didn’t go to prom my junior year. I couldn’t face seeing the two of them together.

Fast foreword back to senior year. I didn’t have a date and I really wanted one. I hoped that Keith would be going to prom. One day, I saw him come into my work and I decided to take my break so I could sit and talk with him. After a few minutes of small talk, I decided to finally ask him the question:

“Are you going to prom this year?”

He gave a rueful smile. “No, not this year.”

This was disappointing. The one guy I wanted to go to prom with wasn’t going because he already went last year. This was disappointing. We talked for a few more minutes and all too soon it was time to go back to work.

I was in a panic. Now what was I going to do? I didn’t have a date when most of the people going that year had already made plans. One day I was sitting with my friend K. and we were talking about prom. I asked her if she was going and if she made plans. She said she was, but wasn’t planning on going with a date or anything. It was then decided that the two of us would go together as a friend/group date.

She came over early, went out to eat at a pizza place, and then came home to get ready. The night ended up being a blast. We socialized, ate little snacks, and danced. The highlight of my night was being that the foreign exchange student asked me to dance with him.

No, I didn’t get a date for my prom. I didn’t get a boyfriend in high school either, even though it was something I really wanted. Instead, I realized that love can be shared with friends and the people around you. It didn’t stop me from my longing, but being alone was fun too. All I had to do was be myself.

15 Ideas for Singles on Valentine’s Day.

A couple years ago, I made a post about 11 activities you can do on Valentine’s Day if you’re single. I didn’t make one last year apparently, though I thought I made the post in question last year (no matter), so I thought I’d make another one. Everybody makes posts about why relationships are the greatest thing, making those of us still single feel bad about our status in life when in reality it can and is just as great as being in a relationship. So if you’re feeling a little blue about spending another Valentine’s Day alone, please don’t be! There are plenty of self love activities that you can do to make it one of the best experiences ever.

1. Coloring. As I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve (re)discovered how fun coloring is. It’s relaxing and when you’re done, you have something beautiful to show for it. You don’t even have to buy one of those 20 dollar coloring books at Barnes and Noble, you can just go to the local grocery store and buy a small coloring book and some coloring pencils and color away.
2. Watch your favorite movie/watch a movie with your favorite actor. If you have a celebrity crush or have a movie that you love to watch over and over again, why not watch it on Valentine’s Day? After all, you’re treating yourself, why not watch something you love?
3. Create a musical playlist for your iPod. I’m not going to say a “love songs” playlist because that would be pretty cliche and probably make you lonely, but if you want to do that, go ahead. Or make any kind of themed playlist you want. I enjoy making happy/energizing/or relaxing playlists myself.
4. Treat yourself to a spa day. I’ve personally never done this, but I’ve heard that it was really fun. I did have a massage once and it was amazing how they were able to get all knots out of my shoulders. I do a lot of lifting, shifting and setting down so my shoulders always end up being in intense pain and having a massage done of them was amazing. So if you have the time (and the money) for it, maybe you can go for the whole spiel.
5. Go out to eat/order pizza. Sometimes you just got to take the initiative and go out to eat yourself. It’ll probably be busy but you can enjoy your food without worrying about what the other person thinks.
6. Cook your own meal. If you don’t want to fight the crowds, why not make your own meal? Then you can share it while you’re watching that favorite actor of yours?
7. Make cards for your friends and family. There’s all sorts of love out there, why do we have to focus on romantic love? Create some Valentine cards for your friends and family to show how much you appreciate them.
8. Have a night out with your best friends. Group celebrations can be fun sometimes. Go to the movies, go shopping, have a party, just spend some good times with some good friends.
9. Go to a museum. I don’t go to museums much myself, but when I do, I thoroughly enjoy myself. Why not go to that art museum and see how much love these artists put into their work.
10. Go for a long walk. I enjoy walking and going for hikes, so this is probably something I’d do if I wasn’t working. Somehow when I’m walking, the stress just melts away and I forget all my worries.
11. Exercise. This is a very broad term to include everything that different people consider as exercise. So if you box, yoga, run, wrestle, lift weights, go do that. I’m sure it’ll get out all your pent up tension. Just don’t hurt anyone in the meantime.
12. Watch YouTube channels. I’ve been getting into YouTube lately, so this is fun. You can get lost in it for hours. So pick a few of your favorite channels and go on a marathon. Or just see where it takes you.
13. Go to the movies. I heard Deadpool’s coming out (why they’re considering a rated R comic book hero to be a Valentine’s Day movie, I have no idea), why not go see what that’s about? Or whatever else is out if violence isn’t your thing.
14. Get lost in a book. This is probably what I’ll be doing because I love to read. Find a comfort book or a book in your favorite genre or your favorite book and read that baby front to back.
15. Find a new hobby. After all, why not cultivate something you always wanted to do but never done?

This is just a small list of things to get you started. Hopefully this will spur you on make this Valentine’s the best you’ve ever had. What are some of your plans this Valentine’s? Let me know in the comments below!

15 Things To Do After Breaking Up

Being at the tail end of a relationship is rough, whether you’re the one ending it or not. It hurts for everyone involved because the person you thought you wanted to spend a long time with (if not forever) is no longer the one who will be a part of life’s journey with you. In the aftermath of breaking up, it’s understandable to feel down and out about the experience, yet at the same time we need to maintain a perspective that these feelings won’t last forever.

While there is no exact process on how to move on from a breakup, there are some activities you can participate in to get back on track and enjoy your life as a single person. Here are some ideas:

1. Go for long walks. I enjoy going on walks. I especially love hiking. Walking, or any sort of exercise can help get any energy and emotions out. Not only that, it’s good for you.
2. Listen to some uplifting music. Or even create a playlist filled with them.
3. Play a sport. Kicking a ball or punching a bag is a great stress reliever.
4. Write a long letter to your ex. You don’t have to send it (and you probably shouldn’t), but write out everything that made you upset and angry. Then, tear it up. Getting it all down on paper can help air out your thoughts.
5. Write in a journal.
6. Take yourself out to dinner.
7. Watch the sunrise/sunset.
8. Take yourself out on a date.
9. Go for a drive.
10. Hang out with some best friends.
11. Get rid of any pictures of your ex, including on social media. Out of sight, out of mind.
12. Allow yourself some down time to be upset. You did spend part of your life with someone. Let yourself grieve.
13. Try something new.
14. Watch your favorite movie.
15. Read a good book.

What things have you done to get over a relationship?

Relationship Choices: The Importance of Respect

For the past few months or so, I’ve been reading a man’s blog about dating, relationships, and modern chivalry. There have been many posts in which I felt empathetic towards. Things like how men and women should behave towards each other, especially when dating or thinking about becoming serious. It made me like the blog enough to follow it (obviously).

But today I read something from his blog that made me step back a little. He said that the “I don’t need no man” philosophy is killing relationships and making men feel low. He also made the statement that men know women don’t need us, but want us to want them. 

While this is a true statement and I’m not undermining relationships or men, I feel like it’s a blanket stereotype over women who choose to remain single. I’m sure there’s women who say they don’t need or want a man because they’re bitter about what life’s given them. I know because I used to be one of those people. But now that I’ve allowed myself to grow, heal and explore myself as a single woman, I’ve discovered how happy I am as being single.

I don’t hate men, but neither do I want to be in a relationship. I like being who I am without being attached to someone else. I don’t want to have to ask my boyfriend about his plans before making my own. I want to make my own decisions and take off when I need and want to without having to compromise. I want to be free with no strings attached. 

I think there should be some respect involved when it comes to whether or not a person wants to be in a relationship or stay single. Some of us are perfectly happy to be where we are without a partner in our lives. If a woman says she doesn’t want to be in a relationship, respect her decision to be single. You don’t know her story as to why she is where she is in her life. Don’t make her feel guilty about her choices in the dating world by saying she’s killing relationships by her choice in being single. Just support her in her choices and encourage her to be who she is and grow to be an even better person that she is without impeding her in her journey. 

That’s all I and other women ask.

 

Really, What’s a Relationship?

When I was a teenager, I had an idea of what I wanted in a man and a relationship with him. I wanted him to be tall, dark, and handsome (typical) with some facial hair (Lord of the Rings and similar movies were all the rage when I was in high school, influencing my taste in men). I wanted him to be smart/intelligent, career minded, and someone who could make me laugh. But most of all, I wanted him to be romantic.

Oh yes, every woman dreams of the Romantic Man and I was no exception. I expected him to take me out on dates at least once a week. I wanted him to take me to the movies, take me out to dinners, go hiking, and many other dates that I considered acceptable. Valentine’s Day and other holidays had to be included in the package. While I didn’t want chocolates and teddy bears for Valentine’s Day, I did want to go out to dinner and snuggle in with a good movie. Speaking of snuggles, I wanted my Man to hold hands with me, snuggle with me when necessary, and make me feel better when I’m feeling down.

Even in my early twenties I imagined these things with great fervor, even when I didn’t get it with the few guys I dated. But now that I’m older and seeing someone new, I’ve begun to simmer down with my expectations of what should happen in a relationship. I know I may not get a guy with long hair and a beard, nor will I get a guy who wants to spoil me with dates every single week, but at least I know I’m with a guy who wants to be with me and making the best of it even within the circumstances.

I’m sure there’s people out there who will tell me I shouldn’t give up on my dreams, that I should have high expectations of the men I date, but sometimes things change. The older I and my friends and acquaintances get, the more commitments we have to work and social lives. We need to compromise and work around it if we really want to make it work.

At the same time I wonder how a relationship can last when you don’t see each other on a regular basis. If I had been dating someone for a long time and for whatever reason we needed to have a long distance relationship, I would do it if we loved each other enough. But does it need to happen so early in the relationship? I feel like it happens to me every time I try to start a new relationship with something and eventually we break up because we get too frustrated about not being able to see each other regularly.

It’s a tough call to make and I’m definitely in limbo. I’m stuck in between what I want, what I need, and whether or not my dreams of what a good relationship should be fits in either or both. Maybe there’s a middle ground in there somewhere, but I have yet to find it. Eventually I’ll find it, or maybe not as I discover what I want (if at all) in a relationship. Do I really want a relationship? And if so, what do I want and need from it, and what am I willing to compromise in order for it to work? Time will only tell and I’m anxious to see where it all leads me.

The Blank White Screen

So, I’ve been staring at this screen for a while now. I’ve been trying to come up with a topic to write about but the few things that have come up that I’d like to spill onto the screen would only come out sounding like a temper tantrum and usually when I feel like doing such things it’s because I’m feeling particularly hormonal, if you get my drift (I’m pretty certain there’s some guys out there reading my blog, so I won’t force the issue).

Moving on. I don’t have anything particular to say except that I hate being the center of gossip. I hate it when something important is going on in my life and I want to talk about it, and then eventually everybody knows about it, which makes my soul feel dirty.

Sometimes I think that I’m part of the problem. I can’t help but talk about myself, I’m human and I wonder if I’m only feeding the flames. So, I’ve been trying to control my impulses to tell everybody about my business, knowing how I feel afterwards. But sometimes that’s hard to do.

Like when I went out Saturday. I was happy about going out and it kind of showed when I was at work, enough so that this lady asked me what was up, so I told her. And then before I knew it, everybody else working in my department heard about it. And it made me feel awkward because I don’t want to date the man. Nice guy, but I don’t want to have anything to do with him in the dating sense. But now everybody’s feeling quite certain we’re going to get together, which happened last night at work. Now I wish I didn’t say anything because how can I make it obvious that I’m not interested because I’m trying to see someone else without making that last part obvious?

I get myself into some messes and now I have to figure out how to patch it up. I don’t want to get angry, but neither do I want to be frivelous and encourage the teasing and the flames. Maybe a simple “I don’t want to talk about it” will suffice.

Me: 0, Human Nature: 1.

Lesson Learned: Don’t Get Your Hopes Up

I’m a sucker for guys. If a guy asks me to hang out, then by jove, I’m going out one night with him! Who can’t say no when a guy asks you out, right?

But here’s the thing: I’m also a sucker for guys who tend not to keep their promises very often. Let me tell you this story to explain my point. Because, really, I was going to tell you this story anyway whether you wanted to or not.

So. Back in June, I went on a date with this guy named C. It’s kind of funny how we met. A couple years ago, a friend of mine set me up on a date with this guy named B. at his Tuesday night pool league. C. and B. are on the same pool team and therefore it was inevitable that we would meet. I remembered C. the most because he was the one who made me laugh. Whenever you hang out with your guy friends and their buddies, it’s always awkward (especially when they first meet you) because they’re scrutinizing you as someone worthy to be in their numbers. But C. wasn’t like that. When we first walked in and B. introduced me to everybody, C. turned to me and said “We don’t bring our friends here, we only bring our girlfriends.” And thus his memory was pressed heavily onto my mind as someone to remember.

But I digress. So back in June we went on a date. Neither one of us was seeing anybody and we were kind of interested (actually MORE than interested), so we hung out. He was enamored by me and I was impressed by him. By the way he acted around me, I thought we were going to become serious. Obviously it didn’t, and I was left in a state of shock for a while afterwards. How can someone be so obsessed with me and make it so it sounds like we’ll be dating only to take it back a week or so later?

Then last week, C. and I started talking again. On Saturday, we talked about maybe hanging out again and seeing each other and he said maybe we could hang out this coming weekend or the weekend after. He didn’t know when since he needs to get a ride. I asked him if he could call me Sunday and he agreed.

So here’s the kicker: He never did. I was half expecting him not to, but I also hoped that he would. It made me feel a little disappointed. I don’t know if he’ll ever call me or if we’ll hang out this weekend or the next. Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised and he’ll call me and ask if we’re going to hang out over the weekend. But I don’t want to get my hopes up. He already hurt me once, I don’t need a second disappointment to rub like salt in my wounds.

Lesson Learned: Don’t get your hopes up. Even if you are looking foreword to it.