To write and to feel.

I prefer to write in black pen.

I don’t know why, but it seems more solid and official.

Don’t get me wrong, I like blue pens and I’ve even written in blue pen before, but I prefer to write in black pen.

Black pens seem more official, you know? And there seems to be more of them around. If I started writing in blue pen, I’d have to keep that blue pen around because if I sat it down and lost it, chances are I wouldn’t pick up another blue pen, it’d be a different color (most likely black) and it just wouldn’t look the same and I’d be bugged about it and eventually throw the paper away and end up writing it all in black pen anyway. I’m just that type of person.

Also, I prefer pens over pencils. When I was a kid, it was the other way around. When I was a kid, pens felt weird in my hands and didn’t seem to write smooth. Not only that, I could erase more easily with a pencil. Obviously.

These days, I avoid writing with a pencil. The led always lines the side of my hand and I’m not even left handed. Maybe I press too hard, maybe I sweat too much when I write. A combination of the two. Who knows. I just prefer pen. Because you can’t really smear pen, can you? Unless you’re writing with an inkwell and feather. That’s just weird to me. A nice aesthetic, but weird.

I’ve been in solitude for a while now. Don’t ask me why. I just like being in solitude. I prefer solitary activities. I thought I wanted to be more social a while ago but it just depleted me terribly and now I just want to be alone.

What have I been doing?

Listening to YouTube. Reading (a little, but not much, to be honest.) Playing mandolin. Writing a poem a day. Working my designated shifts. The usual.

Trying not to feel lonely.

Everybody has somebody to love. Even if they go for months without speaking to anybody else, they still have that one person to give body warmth to next to the couch. That’s all.

The older you get, the harder it is to date. And I was never good at dating to begin with. I’m mostly good at being single, but when the majority of your friends and acquaintances have significant others, it’s hard not to notice being the odd one out. Nobody wants to their perceived faults to be pointed out.

And nobody wants to help you, you know? They say, “You’ll find someone who will love you!” And when you say “Oh yeah? And do you know of anybody I can go out on a date with?” They say, “No…”

I thought so. Then don’t bring me hope when it doesn’t work. I’ve been on that road a long time ago. I’m in that weird purgatory of enjoying my solitude and hating it at the same time. Don’t destroy me.

Go somewhere else unless you know someone worthy of dating me.

I’m not sure where I was going with this. Just to write. And no, I’m not sad, not really. I just want to find something different.

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All the Time.

I think about writing all the time, and yet I don’t always write. Sometimes I can go for weeks and months (even, dare I say–years) without writing. I think it bothers some people that I don’t actively write, that I’m more passive about writing and not making something more of it. But I don’t really care. I don’t always write because I don’t always want to. Nor do I want to share my thoughts or have a lot to say about whatever it is that I’m writing. That’s why my blog posts are so short sometimes–I’ve run out of things to say about it.

I was listening to an Irish vlogger tonight and her accent was real thick. I’ve listened to other Irish tubers and met Irish people in real life and I’ve never had a problem understanding what they were saying. But with this girl I had to sit there and listen to her real close. It made me feel real dumb because I thought I could understand the Irish. Clearly I’m losing touch. Or I’m just not as good as I thought I was, which bites real hard.

Just when you think you’re on top, life comes back thunks you on the head to remind you that you suck.

Process of Success

It’s easy to get jealous of another person’s success. For example, there is a blogger who I’ve been following for a few years now started his blog about a year after I did and he’s already at 5000 followers. I’m somewhat jealous that he’s built a community and even some friendships from his writing and work.

But I cannot be that jealous to be honest, because in reality it’s all my fault. I don’t write regularly and I don’t stick to a niche so to speak. I don’t even shamelessly promote my blog anymore. When you focus on becoming blog famous or YouTube famous or some other Internet site famous, then you burn out pretty quick.

I still don’t plan my writing and most of my posts seem repetitive even to me. But it’s hard to see what others have and try to push yourself into essays you have no interest or business in trying to write.

Maybe other bloggers can still inspire me to be better though. One day I’ll find what I’m looking for.

Quality.

I used to be obsessive about blogging. Since I no longer have a traditional keyboard at the moment, I don’t participate as much. Hunting and pecking for each letter drives me nuts. Perhaps this is why I never got a real cell phone and keep using the landline. I don’t know.

Anyway,

So I don’t blog as much these days. It made me crazy for a while

But

I see how I pick my words more carefully now.

I only write when I have something to say.

Sort of.

Before I just wrote because I wanted to get content out there. It didn’t matter what it was as long as I pressed the publish button. That sort of thinking burns you out. Blogging because you want to be blog famous seems a rather silly notion these days.

And that’s the rub these days. We get a blog or get on YouTube because we see others have done it and became successful.

But if we keep plugging away at posts that don’t matter as long as it’s out there without thinking of the general direction we’re going then it’s not going anywhere. You’re just the same old schlep makings low quality content. I’d rather follow someone who is an amazing creator but doesn’t produce all the time because they are putting effort into their creations. I may be wrong but that’s how I feel about art and stories these days:

Quality has been trumped by quantity.

But maybe I’ve become apathetic over time.

Interests.

I think interests come and go. You find something new and you throw your entire being into what you’re doing. People take notice and follow you. People interact and you feel encouraged.

Then you hit a brick wall. You miss a day or two. People understand. Sometimes you need to take a break.

But then the short break turns into a long one. People hover for a while, then they fade away. They forget about you in favor of the next new artist, whatever that might be.

Then your passion starts again and you start to create again. There might be some interaction, but does the majority come back to you? Maybe…but probably not.

Is it worth it? Yes…and no.

It just depends on who you are and if you truly love what you’re doing.

Is it okay to take a break? Yes. Is it okay to come back? Yes. Will people come back? Maybe…but you shouldn’t worry (too much) about it. Easier said than done especially in a society of instant gratification. If you keep working on it, people will come back.

But I’m no expert. I don’t know how these things work. I just write and do other creations occasionally.

How to Behave in Public.

Most of us have worked in a position where we had to deal with the public. Even if you haven’t, you’ve been in places where you were the public and someone was helping you as the customer to their place of employment. As far as I’m concerned, libraries, restaurants, stores, and other similar places are those in which you received services. These are great places because they allow us to receive the things that we need or want.

The problem is that some people don’t realize or have forgotten how difficult it can be to serve the public. Because we employ the belief that the “customer is always right,” we often allow ourselves to be rude, obnoxious, and downright mean to the very people who are trying to give us the best products and the best service experience at their employment.

Obviously, there are times when the customer IS right and when executed firmly and politely, the experience can right itself naturally. However, there are a lot of times when this isn’t the case. In order to have a good experience in a variety of venues, let’s be reminded of a few basic rules:

1. When asked for your I.D., don’t get angry and refuse to allow them to look at it.

Most businesses ask for an I.D. because it’s the most basic and valid way to determine that you are who you say you are. If you refuse to give your I.D. when asked and are rude about it, you’re making them believe that your faking your I.D.

2. Don’t run, cuss and argue loudly at each other.

This is probably self explanatory, but some people forget about it for some reason. If you run, you run the risk of knocking merchandise over, running into other people, or hurting yourself and others. Not to mention there are the elderly, babies, and the disabled who can’t get out of your way quick enough. Be nice, walk. And cussing and arguing with another customer, even if it’s a friend or family member is inappropriate. You’re disrupting others’ experience. Just don’t do it. If you do, don’t be mad if someone reprimands you for doing these things.

3. If the business is in the process of shutting down for the evening, please wrap up what you’re doing and leave.

I don’t know how other businesses process their closing procedures, but where I work we start making closing announcements thirty minutes before we lock up for the night. I can’t tell how many times people wait until five minutes before closing to come up to complete their check out and then get angry when the service provider isn’t going fast enough or there’s a problem with their account. If you know you have a lot of items to check out or there’s a problem with your card or account, please come up earlier so there’s plenty of time to figure it out. The people behind the desk want to go home too and making it difficult isn’t going to get them to finish any faster.

4. Don’t get mad at the provider if they can’t find something that you swear was there or that you returned.

I definitely have libraries in mind when it comes to this rule. Libraries have a specific procedure on how to check in items and get them out so others can easily find it for themselves. We make sure all the pieces are in the case before checking them in and we put everything (except for nonfiction) by alphabetical order. If you thought you returned something but the librarian shows you where it would’ve been if it accidentally got out without being checked in, don’t stand there and tell her that it’s somewhere in the library. Librarians don’t have time to “hide” things from you. We’re busy creating programs for you as a free service, we’re pulling all the requests you made so that you can easily pick it up at the front desk instead of looking for it yourself, we’re keeping things neat and tidy. There’s no room to “hide” the things you think we’re hiding.

5. Thank the provider at the end of the transaction.

Obviously, people who are working business are being paid to provide you with a service. But sometimes it feels like a thankless job, especially when it feels like they’re doing all the work and you just leave without acknowledging their effort. Just say “thanks” and that will be enough to make their day. It may be the only good thing that happens to them that day.

 

Releasing Emotions.

One of the topics that I see come up time and again on the internet is writing out a letter to someone that you don’t intend to send to that person. The idea is that it releases societal inhibitions on being polite and being allowed to saying whatever you want without receiving the consequences of your words; therefore, releasing the tensions that others’ bring upon an individual.

I’ve never actually written these kinds of letters before, mainly because I still have a fear that someone’s going to stumble upon my private thoughts and release them to the public just to make my life difficult. This fear causes more fear and distress to me than the actual feelings I’ve gotten from others’ actions.

But I decided to take the plunge this morning. For the past couple of days, something that someone said to me was gnawing at my insides. As much as I like letting things go, this person’s words were causing me so much grief that I was waking up in the early hours of the morning with a throbbing headache. With blood rushing to my head, I pulled out my journal and found my words dashing across the page as I wrote down my thoughts and feelings.

By the end of it, I felt calm and tension free.

The person I wrote to will probably never know how much I was upset by their words, but the emotions bottled inside me are no longer bottled. They are released onto paper in a safe space where no one is hurt and I can continue on in my life without having to think about it.

It was nice.

If you ever had a highly emotional interaction with someone else and want to get your feelings out, I now highly recommend writing a private letter (one that you DON’T intend to send out) about how you feel. Believe me, it really does give you permission to relax and move on with your life.