Love Changes.

It’s pretty amazing how fast your life changes in a moment’s notice.

I’ve had several friends tell me over the years that I shouldn’t be so sure of the path my life will take because tomorrow it could change. I ignored them because I didn’t think that it could be anything but ordinary for me. Predictable. Lonely.

I was wrong.

That’s how it always is, you know?

Just when you think you’ve got your life figured out, it changes yet again.

I was reading my last entry I made on here. I mused on love and connection and the one person I wanted to be with would probably never come back and I was settling (rather begrudgingly) on living this life solo.

I was wrong.

So, so wrong.

A few days after posting that, he came back into my life. The one that I always prayed would come back to me. He was home on leave and we re-connected and decided to get together.

It was like magic. I saw him and I felt everything fall into place. I just knew that he was supposed to be with me. He’s the only person I ever want to be with, I thought. And on New Year’s we decided that we should make it official. I’ve been in a whirlwind of happiness ever since.

I didn’t think I’d fall in love, let alone be in a relationship with anybody. It’s funny how life changes, eh?

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Love at First Sight.

Question:

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I don’t know if I’ve ever thought about this question too deeply before. I want to believe in love at first sight because who wouldn’t want to look at someone for the first time and think “That is the person I’m going to be with for the rest of my life.”

I’ve certainly been attracted to people. I’ve taken one look at certain people and thought how wonderful it would be to date someone that appeasing to look at. But for all I know, that could be lust. I’m sure other people have been in that situation and can attest to it.

I do believe though that you can feel connected to someone. You can meet someone and know they’re special within the first few minutes of talking to them. Maybe that is what love at first sight is all about, feeling like there is something there. Of course, I think being attracted to someone is the first major step into serious dating relationships. That is what makes us want to go over there to begin with, we find them attractive.

Once, I thought I felt a special connection with someone. I thought it was going to turn into something more. But it didn’t.

So, my answer to this question is this:

I don’t know if there’s love at first sight. It’s highly possible and I want to believe it to be true. But more than likely it’s not and I’m afraid to think that’s it right as it’s not very romantic at all. But I’ll give it the possibility of hope because I’m still a bit of a romantic even as I become a love grinch these past few years.

The Shower vs. Bath Debate.

Question of the Day:

Do you prefer baths or showers?

I’d say showers. I’m probably biased because I haven’t had a bath since I was about ten years old. But still, I’m going to give my solid answer to showers.

Showers are quick. Or as quick as I can make them, and quite possibly quicker than a bath. I generally don’t like the feeling of being wet, it gives me a nasty feeling, so soaking in a bathtub with lukewarm water doesn’t appeal to my senses much. Not to mention your skin looks like an old person’s.

My hair is thick, so I usually have to scrub it up, down, and underneath to get it clean. And I have to do it twice. And then it takes forever to dry it. For a five minute shower, it sure takes a long time to dry my hair afterwards.

I’ll give one good thing about showers and that it usually warms me up. Especially in the winter time when I’m permanently cold. Have that extra heat boosts me up for a couple of hours. And it feels good to feel clean afterwards. And when I can get my hair to be fluffy when I dry it. Sometimes I don’t brush it right and it sticks to the back of my head. It’s gross.

Sometimes I contemplate on how nice it would be to have hot bubble bath with sweet smelling candles and bath bombs but then I shake my head and think “nah.” Too much effort for too little results.

100 Random Facts About Me.

Wow…another blog post from me in quick succession from the other one. That’s kind of amazing. The amount of posts depend on my mood, I do believe. Sometimes I post every day, sometimes once a week, sometimes once a week. You get two in one night. Congratulations, Internet. I don’t know if this fact is something to be thankful for or something that you hide in the back in embarrassment. Much like when your kid brother farts in church. But I don’t have a kid brother. Or a sister for that fact.

Whatever the case, I was inspired by That Guy over at The Confusing Middle and wanted to do one of my own. I was reading his About Me page (kinda creepy, right? But it IS the internet after all) and he decided to do 100 random facts as his biography. Not to be outdone, I shall share some of my random facts about myself. And some of them might be similar to his because apparently we are similar in certain respects. Anyway,

Here.

We.

Go:

  1. I am single.
  2. I’ve always been single.
  3. I’ve been interested in several guys, but never dated.
  4. I kissed a guy or two. (It wasn’t interesting, believe me.)
  5. I’ve never been on a real date before.
  6. I’m sarcastic.
  7. I stopped trying to be funny, but sometimes I am.
  8. I decided to buy a mandolin in September and learn to play by myself. It’s still a work in progress.
  9. I still live in the same state that I was born in.
  10. I listen to country music.
  11. And Irish music.
  12. Pop/rock/rap’s not my thing tbh. Occasionally one will jump out at me, but nothing much.
  13. I like to write.
  14. I like photography, but I don’t do it anymore and at best am an amateur.
  15. I like visiting cemeteries. My goal at every cemetery is to find the earliest birthday, the oldest and youngest people buried there, best epitaphs, fanciest headstone, and earliest veteran (I found an American Revolution once.)
  16. I like pizza with extra sauce. And order breadsticks, stick them in the fridge and eat them later cold. Delicious.
  17. I watch Dateline and 48 Hours since 8th or 9th grade. Morbid curiosity.
  18. My favorite love stories are the ones where the guy ends up dying. I don’t know how that happens because it makes me sad every time.
  19. I don’t drink Coke or Pepsi. I only drink 7Up, Sprite, or Ginger Ale (any light pops really.)
  20. Coffee is the drink of Satan. Nasty tasting stuff. This is why people will go off the straight and narrow–smells delicious, tastes like anus.
  21. I still read YA literature sometimes. Fight me bro.
  22. I don’t eat a lot of cow. I prefer poultry.
  23. I like to go for long walks. And hike. It’s fun to go alone, but I prefer a hiking buddy. Less lonely that way.
  24. I like a guy with some facial hair.
  25. I like the color blue. Second favorite: green.
  26. When I was a kid, my favorite color was brown. I don’t know why.
  27. I was born in 1987 and yet people still think I’m on the verge of leaving high school.
  28. Favorite wild animals: elephants. And sharks.
  29. Favorite domesticated animal: dogs.
  30. I’m allergic to cats and they somehow know I despise their presence.
  31. Favorite state: Tennessee.
  32. I’m scared of sharp knives.
  33. I love mashed potatoes.
  34. Places I’d like to visit: Ireland, Scotland, Austria, New Zealand, Australia. I don’t know why. Because I’ve been to England so many times it’s boring now.
  35. I go back and forth between wanting a relationship and not wanting one. I want the companionship but I got turned off by all the bad experiences to want to try again unless the guy’s very special and show me he’s consistently interested.
  36. Favorite scary movie? The Mothman Prophecies or The Conjuring. Or the Ring. Okay top three, don’t judge me.
  37. Favorite love/historical piece: Cold Mountain.
  38. Favorite musical: Les Miserables because it was the first one I ever saw on a real stage.
  39. My first high school crush turned out to be gay. Awkward.
  40. A book I read over and over again: Water for Elephants.
  41. I don’t like talking about how half my family is English because people forget that I am in fact American in pursuit of being obsessed about my connection to England. The questions get kinda old people.
  42. I like to watch documentaries. It’s what I watch mostly anymore.
  43. Favorite candy: smarties.
  44. Favorite pie: pumpkin
  45. Favorite candy: anything chocolate. Okay, Twix and Snickers.
  46. New Year’s is overrated. It’s just a day off for me. I used to go to the movies, but I don’t have anyone to go with anymore.
  47. Discussing politics makes me uncomfortable. Extremism in both parties turns me off.
  48. Books I still think about are Atonement, Never Let Me Go, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Me Before You.
  49. I want to take a WWII trip across Europe. Visit Anne Frank House and Auschwitz.
  50. I should have become a historian.
  51. I also should’ve gone into forensics.
  52. Or become a mortician. The death industry is morbidly fascinating to me.
  53. I’m not afraid of death.
  54. If I had a boy, I always wanted to call him Oliver for Oliver Twist. But now everybody thinks it’s the coolest name ever so now people will judge me for choosing a “popular name.” I had it first, punks!
  55. Girls names I like: Sophie, Alexei, Ashlyn, Chatya (pronounced Hiya)
  56. There were a few other girl names I liked but can’t think of off the top of my name.
  57. I also like Landon, Tyler James, and Bran for boys.
  58. I like Christmas decorations.
  59. I can only sleep in until 8 or 9 on my days off. Always a morning person, usually get up early anyway.
  60. I’m a Christian but I identify with Quakers these days.
  61. I always keep my car filled over halfway. It makes me nervous otherwise.
  62. I complain about not being social enough and on the rare times I do get to be social I complain about going out. I’m never happy.
  63. Genealogy is interesting to me. I got out of the habit of researching these days but it’s fun.
  64. I don’t have a favorite genre of book.
  65. There’s a small patch of woods a couple blocks from me. Sometimes I like walking there but I’m kind of suspicious of it too. Every time I had a guy over and we walked there, the guy never stuck around. Someone also committed suicide there. Bad luck woods, maybe?
  66. I don’t understand comedies. I always find they’re trying too hard.
  67. Stand up comedy is sometimes well done.
  68. I’ll always enjoy Gabriel Iglesias, Jim Gaffigan, and Jeff Dunham.
  69. The Dark Knight, The Amazing Spider-Man, and Guardians of the Galaxy are my favorite superhero movies. But it takes me forever to watch superhero movies.
  70. Taco Tuesday is weird. When did that become popular? All of a sudden it was a thing.
  71. Biscuits and gravy are comforting.
  72. I want to live in a log cabin.
  73. I learned how to kayak once. A guy I liked bought me a 3 week quick course in college. It was fun, but I never did it since. Too bad.
  74. I love Bath & Body Works body wash. I’m such a girl.
  75. I like aquariums. So peaceful.
  76. When I was 10, I was obsessed with Titanic and my parents took me to see the Jack/Rose epic romance movie. Probably not a good movie for a 10 year old, but what the heck.
  77. I was around 11/12 when the Harry Potter books were first published.
  78. I realized that I am aging.
  79. No one will ever know the impatience of waiting for the next Harry Potter book like I did. This is sad.
  80. I’m not an exciting person.
  81. I don’t listen to music in the car very often. Couple times a year maybe?
  82. My next dog will be named Summer. Or Rocky.
  83. I like watching film theory on YouTube. Like Lindsay Ellis and Ryan Hollinger and Lessons from the Screenplay. Fascinating.
  84. Rob Dyke, Bedtime Stories, and Cayleigh Elise are instant clicks on YouTube.
  85. Christmas candies….all the Christmas candies.
  86. I met some Irish people this year. They are some happy folks, my dears.
  87. They always sound like they’re singing.
  88. I’ve wanted to play mandolin for over ten years. I finally got the nerve to buy one this year in spite of people telling me no.
  89. Bucket list goal: ballroom dancing and scuba diving.
  90. Once I told my deep dark secret fear to someone I liked. I was made fun of for it and it was one of the reasons we stopped seeing each other.
  91. There are big age gaps between myself and my cousins. So even if we lived close together, we wouldn’t be able to relate.
  92. Spring is my favorite season. Fall and winter are my least favorite.
  93. I like to read in bed.
  94. I don’t read much anymore, but I still enjoy reading.
  95. I’d like to know what a boyfriend is like just once.
  96. I’m an only child and love it.
  97. I want to live in a log cabin just to say I did.
  98. I learned how to edit film/movies in a class once. It made me wish I took more classes like it.
  99. Meatball subs are the best.
  100. The mayhem commercials are kind of funny.

Midwinter’s Dream.

I don’t dream a lot. That’s what my official answer is, anyway.

I tend to dream more often when I write in my journal on a regular basis. Or if I’m being more creative. I’ve been writing in my journal a whole lot more. And I wrote a poem a day in November, so that might have something to do with it. That’s the excuse I’m going to give anyway.

When I do dream, it’s often in the land of the weird and/or scary.

Very weird.

So weird that I’m still uncomfortable saying them out loud. Thus why I’ll never keep a dream journal because someone in a hundred years will stumble upon it think, this person is a weirdo.

I am in fact a weirdo. I just don’t need anymore unintentional weirdness added.

I work. I come home. I (try) to read. I write sporadically (journal mostly.) I run errands and do things for the mother. I keep up with the shaving while listening to urban legends and/or Philip DeFranco. Because Philip DeFranco has such a strong, comforting voice in these troubled times. If you’ve never heard of him, you should look him up on YouTube. He is an online based newscaster/journalist, telling the most popular news stories as rounded and filled and unbiased as possible. I’ve never had a problem with him. I can always count on him for a good story.

I digress, as I usually do.

So last night I had a few dreams.

Scary dreams.

Totally and utterly scary. They were so scary I woke up from them. I didn’t think they were real or anything, but they felt real enough. Maybe I was just troubled by the dreams I was dreaming.

It’s kind of weird about dreams, aren’t they?

Nobody knows what they are or why we have them.

Some think it’s us trying to process information or emotions and thoughts about certain topics. If it is, then what kind of information and emotions am I trying to process because that’s too strange and weird for my comfort.

Maybe the more active we make our mind the more we dream. We’re thinking and exercising our mind more so of course it’s going to dream more. So why do we have dreams? Why do some have good dreams while others have all the weird ones?

I prefer to have the good dreams. I’ve only had a couple good dreams in my life and I don’t really remember them at all. I remember one dream where I was dreaming that I was dating someone and his son and I were sitting on the couch talking and playing games and he asked me when his father and I were going to get married so he could have a second mom. That one got to me. Because it was sweet, even if I never met the guy before.

Turns out said guy was not a very nice guy. Seems like my luck.

Another good dream I had was in high school and I wrote a note to this guy I liked and I was hanging out in a circle with my friends in the hallway and he joined us to talk. It was a very nice dream. But it turns out he’s gay.

My luck is that way, you know?

That’s all I remember. I wish I could understand dreams and why they happen. That would be awesome.

To write and to feel.

I prefer to write in black pen.

I don’t know why, but it seems more solid and official.

Don’t get me wrong, I like blue pens and I’ve even written in blue pen before, but I prefer to write in black pen.

Black pens seem more official, you know? And there seems to be more of them around. If I started writing in blue pen, I’d have to keep that blue pen around because if I sat it down and lost it, chances are I wouldn’t pick up another blue pen, it’d be a different color (most likely black) and it just wouldn’t look the same and I’d be bugged about it and eventually throw the paper away and end up writing it all in black pen anyway. I’m just that type of person.

Also, I prefer pens over pencils. When I was a kid, it was the other way around. When I was a kid, pens felt weird in my hands and didn’t seem to write smooth. Not only that, I could erase more easily with a pencil. Obviously.

These days, I avoid writing with a pencil. The led always lines the side of my hand and I’m not even left handed. Maybe I press too hard, maybe I sweat too much when I write. A combination of the two. Who knows. I just prefer pen. Because you can’t really smear pen, can you? Unless you’re writing with an inkwell and feather. That’s just weird to me. A nice aesthetic, but weird.

I’ve been in solitude for a while now. Don’t ask me why. I just like being in solitude. I prefer solitary activities. I thought I wanted to be more social a while ago but it just depleted me terribly and now I just want to be alone.

What have I been doing?

Listening to YouTube. Reading (a little, but not much, to be honest.) Playing mandolin. Writing a poem a day. Working my designated shifts. The usual.

Trying not to feel lonely.

Everybody has somebody to love. Even if they go for months without speaking to anybody else, they still have that one person to give body warmth to next to the couch. That’s all.

The older you get, the harder it is to date. And I was never good at dating to begin with. I’m mostly good at being single, but when the majority of your friends and acquaintances have significant others, it’s hard not to notice being the odd one out. Nobody wants to their perceived faults to be pointed out.

And nobody wants to help you, you know? They say, “You’ll find someone who will love you!” And when you say “Oh yeah? And do you know of anybody I can go out on a date with?” They say, “No…”

I thought so. Then don’t bring me hope when it doesn’t work. I’ve been on that road a long time ago. I’m in that weird purgatory of enjoying my solitude and hating it at the same time. Don’t destroy me.

Go somewhere else unless you know someone worthy of dating me.

I’m not sure where I was going with this. Just to write. And no, I’m not sad, not really. I just want to find something different.

Musically.

It’s been a long week.

As usual, I don’t quite know how to write about anything.

I finished a book the other day. Every book I finish is a success because it’s been a hobby that has quickly been a bore. One day I’ll find excitement in it again. In the meantime, I’m content being reading occasionally and not obsessively.

I bought a mandolin. It’s an instrument that I’ve admired for many years and often dreamed of playing. I never thought I’d be brave enough to try. Now I’ve got a nice instrument (one that I looked into and a friend asked her musician friends about, so that’s nice.) I learned about how to hold it, how to hold the pick, how to strum it properly, and today I learned a few chords. My hand isn’t quite strong enough yet to hold down the strings as I’m playing and my fingers haven’t developed callouses yet, so they’ve been hurting today. But I learned three basic chords and I just need to practice them.

Chris Thile has been my main hero of the mandolin. He’s the one that made me aware of what a mandolin even was, caused me to want to play with intensity. I will always admire his musical talent. Today, I wanted to find some other people who played mandolin, particularly women. I’m surprised by how few successful mandolinists are women. I’m sad to discover so few women want to play. I’m not trying to break barriers or become famous or anything but why? It’s such a beautiful, whimsical instrument. More women should give it a go.

I’ve been listening to Button Poetry a lot recently. It’s a company (is this the right word?) that publishes poets and hosts spoken word poetry of these poets. I don’t always listen to them to the end, but if someone’s message catches me, I find myself staying to the end. I’m not used to slam poetry/spoken poetry, but I feel drawn to the soft spoken, quiet beings that draw your attention and have a soothing voice about them. Not that there’s anything wrong with other speakers, that’s just what I’m drawn too. I need to listen more often.

I checked out “Helium” by Rudy Francisco and read a few of his poems. They’re very beautiful and minimalistic. I like it a lot. Free form poetry is the best, in my opinion. If I have to write anything else, then I’m struggling.

I look foreword to sleeping in tomorrow. I look foreword to reading a little bit, playing music a little bit, maybe even writing a little bit. Becoming well rounded is hard sometimes,

But I’m working on it.