I’m up extremely early this morning. For a Saturday, it’s almost barbaric. When I woke with a headache and the need to relief myself, I was almost angry that I had to be up so early to take care of myself. When I went back to bed, I just laid there, unable to fall back asleep. So here I am, sitting up in bed writing because I need something to focus my mind and feel productive. To be honest, it’s kind of peaceful, to be up before anyone else is awake, to have a few moments of quiet before the hustle of the world rushes up to greet me.
It’s important to have quiet time, to be honest. We’ve become a culture that doesn’t allow the time to rest and rebuild. Then its people wonder why there’s so little creativity and productivity, more burnt out attitudes, depression, and the feeling of wasted time. We need to tell ourselves that its okay to take a step back and focus on things that make us happy. Drawing, reading, music; anything that will get us back into the swing of things.
I need to read more.
I need to write more.
I need to walk and play music more.
I need to be myself again. Adam is re-awakening me and I’ve realized I want to make him happy by making myself happy.
Bluegrass musicians think I’m going to be playing bluegrass music.
Irish musicians think I’m going to be playing Irish/Celtic/traditional music.
To be honest, I don’t know what kind of music I’m going to be playing eventually.
As of right now, I’m going to be grateful for when I can eventually play a song at a decent pace with some confidence and expertise and it doesn’t really matter what kind of music the song comes from. Learning to play an instrument is hard and to get a song out without sounding like nails on a chalk board will be a huge accomplishment to me.
If I play bluegrass, it’ll probably be progressive bluegrass. It has the elements of traditional bluegrass, but it’s modernized and mixed with the sounds of other musical genres. If I do Irish music, it’ll probably sound like traditional Irish. Obviously. They probably modernize it and push the envelope, but I’m not sure.
So, what kind of music will I play? I don’t know.
I’ll play the music to the beat of my drum. Or the strumming of my mandolin. Ahah.
In other news, I went to visit my special someone a couple weekends ago. I was so happy to see him. It was the best thing that happened to me this month. Getting back home was a little stressful since I had to find a new flight since both flights getting home were canceled. But I made it home in the end. And I did it (mostly) by myself. I had to do all the running to get there. My special guy managed to get the tickets for me. Now I just wait for the next time I see him. I can’t wait until then.
I will not apologize for my lack of posting. It’s stupid writing about it and it’s stupid reading about it. No one cares. I will write when I can and not feel guilty about it.
It’s pretty amazing how fast your life changes in a moment’s notice.
I’ve had several friends tell me over the years that I shouldn’t be so sure of the path my life will take because tomorrow it could change. I ignored them because I didn’t think that it could be anything but ordinary for me. Predictable. Lonely.
I was wrong.
That’s how it always is, you know?
Just when you think you’ve got your life figured out, it changes yet again.
I was reading my last entry I made on here. I mused on love and connection and the one person I wanted to be with would probably never come back and I was settling (rather begrudgingly) on living this life solo.
I was wrong.
So, so wrong.
A few days after posting that, he came back into my life. The one that I always prayed would come back to me. He was home on leave and we re-connected and decided to get together.
It was like magic. I saw him and I felt everything fall into place. I just knew that he was supposed to be with me. He’s the only person I ever want to be with, I thought. And on New Year’s we decided that we should make it official. I’ve been in a whirlwind of happiness ever since.
I didn’t think I’d fall in love, let alone be in a relationship with anybody. It’s funny how life changes, eh?
Do you believe in love at first sight?
I don’t know if I’ve ever thought about this question too deeply before. I want to believe in love at first sight because who wouldn’t want to look at someone for the first time and think “That is the person I’m going to be with for the rest of my life.”
I’ve certainly been attracted to people. I’ve taken one look at certain people and thought how wonderful it would be to date someone that appeasing to look at. But for all I know, that could be lust. I’m sure other people have been in that situation and can attest to it.
I do believe though that you can feel connected to someone. You can meet someone and know they’re special within the first few minutes of talking to them. Maybe that is what love at first sight is all about, feeling like there is something there. Of course, I think being attracted to someone is the first major step into serious dating relationships. That is what makes us want to go over there to begin with, we find them attractive.
Once, I thought I felt a special connection with someone. I thought it was going to turn into something more. But it didn’t.
So, my answer to this question is this:
I don’t know if there’s love at first sight. It’s highly possible and I want to believe it to be true. But more than likely it’s not and I’m afraid to think that’s it right as it’s not very romantic at all. But I’ll give it the possibility of hope because I’m still a bit of a romantic even as I become a love grinch these past few years.
I love Christmas.
I love putting the decorations up. They’re so beautiful and makes the house fill with happiness.
But as the actual day inches closer, I’m feel a little low.
Maybe because it doesn’t feel like Christmas. It always feels weird when there’s no snow outside for Christmas.
It’s either been raining or really sunny and cold.
Just doesn’t seem like the time of year. Or feel like it even.
Sometimes I wish there was a big family coming over. That we were all getting together. I haven’t done that in a few years, not since my dad died. Having a small nuclear family has it’s ups and downs I suppose.
I see people rushing to visit everybody and feel sorry for them. But I’ve never had to do that so it’s kind of lonely at times. But I have my mom and that’s enough.
I gave a Christmas card to someone and I don’t think they were expecting to get a card because they gave me a big hug afterward. I’m glad I could make her happy.
Today’s a stream of conscious post, if you haven’t noticed.
I hope tomorrow I can think of something better to write about. Don’t worry, I’ll get back into the swing of things eventually.
Was I even in the swing of things?
Who knows. My posts have always been random.
Question of the Day:
Do you prefer baths or showers?
I’d say showers. I’m probably biased because I haven’t had a bath since I was about ten years old. But still, I’m going to give my solid answer to showers.
Showers are quick. Or as quick as I can make them, and quite possibly quicker than a bath. I generally don’t like the feeling of being wet, it gives me a nasty feeling, so soaking in a bathtub with lukewarm water doesn’t appeal to my senses much. Not to mention your skin looks like an old person’s.
My hair is thick, so I usually have to scrub it up, down, and underneath to get it clean. And I have to do it twice. And then it takes forever to dry it. For a five minute shower, it sure takes a long time to dry my hair afterwards.
I’ll give one good thing about showers and that it usually warms me up. Especially in the winter time when I’m permanently cold. Have that extra heat boosts me up for a couple of hours. And it feels good to feel clean afterwards. And when I can get my hair to be fluffy when I dry it. Sometimes I don’t brush it right and it sticks to the back of my head. It’s gross.
Sometimes I contemplate on how nice it would be to have hot bubble bath with sweet smelling candles and bath bombs but then I shake my head and think “nah.” Too much effort for too little results.
Wow…another blog post from me in quick succession from the other one. That’s kind of amazing. The amount of posts depend on my mood, I do believe. Sometimes I post every day, sometimes once a week, sometimes once a week. You get two in one night. Congratulations, Internet. I don’t know if this fact is something to be thankful for or something that you hide in the back in embarrassment. Much like when your kid brother farts in church. But I don’t have a kid brother. Or a sister for that fact.
Whatever the case, I was inspired by That Guy over at The Confusing Middle and wanted to do one of my own. I was reading his About Me page (kinda creepy, right? But it IS the internet after all) and he decided to do 100 random facts as his biography. Not to be outdone, I shall share some of my random facts about myself. And some of them might be similar to his because apparently we are similar in certain respects. Anyway,
- I am single.
- I’ve always been single.
- I’ve been interested in several guys, but never dated.
- I kissed a guy or two. (It wasn’t interesting, believe me.)
- I’ve never been on a real date before.
- I’m sarcastic.
- I stopped trying to be funny, but sometimes I am.
- I decided to buy a mandolin in September and learn to play by myself. It’s still a work in progress.
- I still live in the same state that I was born in.
- I listen to country music.
- And Irish music.
- Pop/rock/rap’s not my thing tbh. Occasionally one will jump out at me, but nothing much.
- I like to write.
- I like photography, but I don’t do it anymore and at best am an amateur.
- I like visiting cemeteries. My goal at every cemetery is to find the earliest birthday, the oldest and youngest people buried there, best epitaphs, fanciest headstone, and earliest veteran (I found an American Revolution once.)
- I like pizza with extra sauce. And order breadsticks, stick them in the fridge and eat them later cold. Delicious.
- I watch Dateline and 48 Hours since 8th or 9th grade. Morbid curiosity.
- My favorite love stories are the ones where the guy ends up dying. I don’t know how that happens because it makes me sad every time.
- I don’t drink Coke or Pepsi. I only drink 7Up, Sprite, or Ginger Ale (any light pops really.)
- Coffee is the drink of Satan. Nasty tasting stuff. This is why people will go off the straight and narrow–smells delicious, tastes like anus.
- I still read YA literature sometimes. Fight me bro.
- I don’t eat a lot of cow. I prefer poultry.
- I like to go for long walks. And hike. It’s fun to go alone, but I prefer a hiking buddy. Less lonely that way.
- I like a guy with some facial hair.
- I like the color blue. Second favorite: green.
- When I was a kid, my favorite color was brown. I don’t know why.
- I was born in 1987 and yet people still think I’m on the verge of leaving high school.
- Favorite wild animals: elephants. And sharks.
- Favorite domesticated animal: dogs.
- I’m allergic to cats and they somehow know I despise their presence.
- Favorite state: Tennessee.
- I’m scared of sharp knives.
- I love mashed potatoes.
- Places I’d like to visit: Ireland, Scotland, Austria, New Zealand, Australia. I don’t know why. Because I’ve been to England so many times it’s boring now.
- I go back and forth between wanting a relationship and not wanting one. I want the companionship but I got turned off by all the bad experiences to want to try again unless the guy’s very special and show me he’s consistently interested.
- Favorite scary movie? The Mothman Prophecies or The Conjuring. Or the Ring. Okay top three, don’t judge me.
- Favorite love/historical piece: Cold Mountain.
- Favorite musical: Les Miserables because it was the first one I ever saw on a real stage.
- My first high school crush turned out to be gay. Awkward.
- A book I read over and over again: Water for Elephants.
- I don’t like talking about how half my family is English because people forget that I am in fact American in pursuit of being obsessed about my connection to England. The questions get kinda old people.
- I like to watch documentaries. It’s what I watch mostly anymore.
- Favorite candy: smarties.
- Favorite pie: pumpkin
- Favorite candy: anything chocolate. Okay, Twix and Snickers.
- New Year’s is overrated. It’s just a day off for me. I used to go to the movies, but I don’t have anyone to go with anymore.
- Discussing politics makes me uncomfortable. Extremism in both parties turns me off.
- Books I still think about are Atonement, Never Let Me Go, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Me Before You.
- I want to take a WWII trip across Europe. Visit Anne Frank House and Auschwitz.
- I should have become a historian.
- I also should’ve gone into forensics.
- Or become a mortician. The death industry is morbidly fascinating to me.
- I’m not afraid of death.
- If I had a boy, I always wanted to call him Oliver for Oliver Twist. But now everybody thinks it’s the coolest name ever so now people will judge me for choosing a “popular name.” I had it first, punks!
- Girls names I like: Sophie, Alexei, Ashlyn, Chatya (pronounced Hiya)
- There were a few other girl names I liked but can’t think of off the top of my name.
- I also like Landon, Tyler James, and Bran for boys.
- I like Christmas decorations.
- I can only sleep in until 8 or 9 on my days off. Always a morning person, usually get up early anyway.
- I’m a Christian but I identify with Quakers these days.
- I always keep my car filled over halfway. It makes me nervous otherwise.
- I complain about not being social enough and on the rare times I do get to be social I complain about going out. I’m never happy.
- Genealogy is interesting to me. I got out of the habit of researching these days but it’s fun.
- I don’t have a favorite genre of book.
- There’s a small patch of woods a couple blocks from me. Sometimes I like walking there but I’m kind of suspicious of it too. Every time I had a guy over and we walked there, the guy never stuck around. Someone also committed suicide there. Bad luck woods, maybe?
- I don’t understand comedies. I always find they’re trying too hard.
- Stand up comedy is sometimes well done.
- I’ll always enjoy Gabriel Iglesias, Jim Gaffigan, and Jeff Dunham.
- The Dark Knight, The Amazing Spider-Man, and Guardians of the Galaxy are my favorite superhero movies. But it takes me forever to watch superhero movies.
- Taco Tuesday is weird. When did that become popular? All of a sudden it was a thing.
- Biscuits and gravy are comforting.
- I want to live in a log cabin.
- I learned how to kayak once. A guy I liked bought me a 3 week quick course in college. It was fun, but I never did it since. Too bad.
- I love Bath & Body Works body wash. I’m such a girl.
- I like aquariums. So peaceful.
- When I was 10, I was obsessed with Titanic and my parents took me to see the Jack/Rose epic romance movie. Probably not a good movie for a 10 year old, but what the heck.
- I was around 11/12 when the Harry Potter books were first published.
- I realized that I am aging.
- No one will ever know the impatience of waiting for the next Harry Potter book like I did. This is sad.
- I’m not an exciting person.
- I don’t listen to music in the car very often. Couple times a year maybe?
- My next dog will be named Summer. Or Rocky.
- I like watching film theory on YouTube. Like Lindsay Ellis and Ryan Hollinger and Lessons from the Screenplay. Fascinating.
- Rob Dyke, Bedtime Stories, and Cayleigh Elise are instant clicks on YouTube.
- Christmas candies….all the Christmas candies.
- I met some Irish people this year. They are some happy folks, my dears.
- They always sound like they’re singing.
- I’ve wanted to play mandolin for over ten years. I finally got the nerve to buy one this year in spite of people telling me no.
- Bucket list goal: ballroom dancing and scuba diving.
- Once I told my deep dark secret fear to someone I liked. I was made fun of for it and it was one of the reasons we stopped seeing each other.
- There are big age gaps between myself and my cousins. So even if we lived close together, we wouldn’t be able to relate.
- Spring is my favorite season. Fall and winter are my least favorite.
- I like to read in bed.
- I don’t read much anymore, but I still enjoy reading.
- I’d like to know what a boyfriend is like just once.
- I’m an only child and love it.
- I want to live in a log cabin just to say I did.
- I learned how to edit film/movies in a class once. It made me wish I took more classes like it.
- Meatball subs are the best.
- The mayhem commercials are kind of funny.