Being Thankful.

I can’t believe that Thanksgiving is this week. It doesn’t even feel like it should be Thanksgiving, to be honest. Ever since my dad died, the need to celebrate Thanksgiving has decreased drastically with me. I don’t stay in contact with my dad’s family and my mom’s family is English and obviously they don’t celebrate it. So, in essence, it’s just my mom and I for the holiday and we don’t make a big fuss about it anymore. In fact, last year we went to a buffet on Thanksgiving because it didn’t seem worth it to cook a big Thanksgiving meal just for the two of us. We don’t eat a lot anyway.

This year, my mom’s friend invited us to her Thanksgiving meal. She put a reservation on the Eagles lodge in town and invited her family and us. This is the second time we spent Thanksgiving with them and I think it’s nice to have other people to spend time with. Otherwise we probably would have just gone out to eat somewhere.

I also wanted to comment on the 30 days of thanks meme that people have been participating in the last couple of years. I don’t think as many people have done it this year, but I haven’t paid too much attention to it. I’m not the one who likes to participate in memes because they seem like too much effort most of the time and it only further aggravates the people I’m friends with on social media. However, I thought I’d post a few things that I’m thankful here on my blog just because I think it might be fun as well as generate another post.

Things I’m Thankful for (2015):

  1. A job.
  2. A house to live in.
  3. No major bills to pay.
  4. Good health.
  5. A car to drive in.
  6. My mom.
  7. Living in a country with lots of opportunities.
  8. Living in a safe country.
  9. A comfortable bed to sleep in.
  10. A few good friends.
  11. Able to get a higher education (and a good one at that).
  12. Creativity (even if I don’t use it much).
  13. Spring and summer (every winter must have an end)
  14. Having Mondays off.
  15. Being myself.

The Constant Changes

WordPress keeps changing how the new entry forms. I finally get used to one format only to have it changed to another. I wish they would just decide on a format and stick with it. Maybe I’m just a traditionalist. I don’t like change that much. I want things to stay the way I’m used to. I’m not finding the word count that the previous format had so conveniently at the bottom of the entry so I know how many words I’m writing.  Maybe it’s still around here but I can’t see it quickly. I do like that it’s easier to decide when to post your entries. I couldn’t figure that out with previous formats of the wordpress entry formats.

I’ll get used to it eventually but for now I’m not happy with it.

For Those Who Hurt.

People aren’t very love-able.

Of course, we think the best of everybody and for the most part, people are good and worthy to be around.

But a lot of times, people aren’t very love-able. Because after all, who would have thought that Paris and terrorist attacks would be in the same sentence? France isn’t a place that I would have thought that someone would want to terrorize.

Of course we can’t assume anything, because anything is possible. An earthquake in Japan. A terrorist attack in Beiruit. Everything on the same day. Many are superstitious and would point out these things happened on Friday the 13th. I suppose to a certain level we’re all a little superstitious, but maybe the attacks happened because they knew it would make people more superstitious?

But who am I to speculate? I don’t think any of can. My thoughts are with those who are suffering. I hope that from destruction, they will rise and become united against whatever might happen in the future.

There are no other words that I could possibility say that will change anything that has happened, but they will be in my thoughts. Sometimes that’s the only thing a person can do. Because after all, words can only go so far.

Falling Away

Many people are in love with fall. It’s almost like a cult the way they obsess over the changing colors of the leaves, the hoodies, the fall festivities. Pumpkin. That sort of thing.

I’m not one of those people, however. I hate fall.

I don’t like it because it’s cold and the changing atmospheric pressure is too much for my poor head. Where people see pretty leaves, I see work to clean up the yard. It’s just not my thing.

And anyway, everyone knows what comes after fall: white misery. Ice. Dangerous driving conditions. The perpetual feeling of cold and never feeling warm again. Winter is indeed coming.

I know I need to get through fall and winter in order to see spring and summer again, but I just can’t fall in love with it. It baffles me as to how some people revel in it. I’m sure they’re just as baffled by my love of spring and summer.

The only thing that fall has going for it is turning the clocks back an hour. Extra hour of sleep: Great. Getting dark early: extremely hateful. Why can’t we all just have an extra hour and still have extra daylight? The world doesn’t work that way, but one can only dream.

Blogging Blues.

I’m a terrible blogger.

I go for days without blogging. Sometimes even a month or two.

Sometimes I open a new post and I just stare at it for minutes, even hours at a time.

What I want to write suddenly gets stuck in my brain. Normally because I have huge insecurities about what I want to say.

I’ve talked about this before, but I want to say it again: writing does suck terribly sometimes.

I don’t know how some people blog every day for the month of November. I only managed it once or twice since last week. Or was it the week before? You guys are all so weird. Especially when you manage to get what you want out in a coherent, lyrical way.

If I wrote every day, it’d feel much more natural to me and get the ideas flowing easier. But it’s just so hard. And those people who manage to get 50,000 word novels out in 30 days? They must be possessed with something demonic because I can’t manage it.

To be honest, I’m just jealous of all writers in general. How do you guys manage to get ideas out so easily? I know it’s not easy but you manage to write once a week, twice a week, every day without a bat in the eye. Give me some of your energy….

Give me some of your ideas.

And really, I have no idea why I’m writing one to 3 sentence paragraphs. Maybe it makes me feel like I’m actually writing more with less. What do you think?

Maybe one day I can be a better blogger. Maybe I can be a phoenix from the ashes instead of just ashes.

Or in the very least a better blog post.

How the Writing Month Starts…

I started out this National Writing Month writing in my private journal. There were things that I wanted to write about that I didn’t want to share with potentially thousands of people in my blog. I don’t know if that stuff counts but there it is. I was going to write something more general in the blog yesterday just to start things out but every time I came to the blank page, I didn’t know what to say. So much has happened and so many different ideas are running around through my head that it’s hard to sit down and focus on something to write for my blog. I say this a lot, but really sometimes the ideas that I think up aren’t really worthy of showing to the world. I’m sure if I sat down and really thought through some of my ideas, they would work out to something interesting, but I never do.

I think the whole idea of it all is fear. Fear that I’m not writing anything of importance. Fear that people won’t like what I wrote because I said something the wrong way. I love to blog, but it makes me self conscious. People say to write for myself like no one else is going to read it, but it’s really hard. I’m putting my thoughts out there permanently. Everyone will know what my thoughts will be on a certain topic. And sometimes you just don’t want anybody know what you’re thoughts are on something, if you know what I mean.

I started to write a Holocaust story last night. Actually, I’d written the story for a creative writing class when I was in college but I always wanted to expand on it and make it at least a novella or longer. But this is the problem: I never know where to start in the story. Should I start it like I started in the short story, or should I write a memory first then have her come back to where I started in the first story? It’s frustrating. I’ve started and stopped this so many times I don’t even know what to say about it anymore. Maybe I just need to put it in a closet and not think about it anymore. But it’s so hard because I want to write this story. No matter how hard I try to forget about it, I keep coming back to it. Maybe one of these days I’ll have a moment of clarity. Maybe instead of writing my own story I can write some Fan Fiction. I really miss writing fan fiction stories.

And this, my friends, is why I never get any stories finished.

Writing for Myself.

As time goes by in the blogging world, I find other bloggers that I enjoy reading. There has been a couple of occasions where the bloggers have decided that enough is enough and stop blogging. For whatever reason, they feel tired of having to write, that they’ve outgrown their little corner of the internet. For them, they’re content just to be and no longer share what their thoughts to the world. I respect them for their decision not to write any longer, but for me I’m rather sad. I thought these writers were valid, real and worthwhile. Sometimes I want to tell them not to give up, to just keep writing regardless of how they feel about it. Even if they feel like it’s something they hash over again and again, I think it’s refreshing and new. Someone might connect to that piece of writing in a way that they hadn’t when it was written at a previous time. No one knows just when something might save someone.

While I spew on my sentiments of bloggers and blogging, I can tell you that writing is hard. Even when you’re just blogging out your thoughts, it’s tough going. People tell you just to write but sometimes its hard to be yourself when potentially thousands of others are reading what you have to say. You want to be perfect in what you have to say because if you just write whatever without thinking it through, well, it’d just be like stepping out the front door without having getting cleaned up or putting your clothes on. You don’t want to look disheveled in the blogging world.

We put so much pressure on ourselves in our writing that blogging can become a chore. It’s just not fun anymore when you feel you have to write a certain way. I need to learn this myself, to be honest. Stop worrying about what others might think of myself and constantly myself. Rather, just write and be myself and not care about who’s reading. The readers will come. I only to have start with myself.